Cindy Hoard

Inspirational Author and Psychologist


Moving Through Chaos with Determination and Persistence

My self-perception wove in and out of chaos. I constantly had to regroup and embrace the unknown of any given moment or time.

My confidence wavered often and I had to recommit to stepping back from the moment and look at the bigger picture of my life. Even when I felt all-consumed by depression I patiently looked for the gifts of the present . Over and over again, I was determined to hold on to the idea that my future could change. Part of sustaining that determination was pig-headed persistence even in the face of feeling like I failed. My mother traced this “pig-headed persistence” back to as early as two years of age. She described feeling like I was the can and she was a mouse and the cat was shaking the mouse as hard as she could by the tail. (So it also meant I could be a pain in the ass at times.)

One of the many keys to persistence was meditation which helped me let the panic float through me. With opening some space inside I had a greater chance for thoughts of creativity, inspiration and growth to float in. The meditation did not just ”get me out of” the mood of depression, but it did shift my attention to remember the healing work I was doing with children and families professionally. And even more importantly could redirect my attention to how I could continue to work on healing myself and making use of the many resources with which I was surrounded.

I worked hard to hang on to even the smallest awareness of change, to help me move toward a healthier space of mind. I am determined to constantly stay aware of even the tiniest change that would remind me to keep striving to wind my way through the exhaustion of depression.
The idea of the potential of the itsy-bitsy mustard seed always reminds me that there is no way to know how the tiniest event can blossom and grow into an amazing blooming tree.

Sometimes, what seemed like an insignificant insight, would grow on me, swell up and burst into something much greater than I even imagined. Even the smallest crumb can become a glorious cloud of peace. When I first focused on using my breathing for meditation, relaxation and concentration, it seemed so difficult to stick with. But I have persisted over many years and now sometimes breathing and meditation seems like it could go on forever!

Play with slowly breathing in 3 deep breaths and then very slowly exhaling. You might feel some tension or anxiety released even briefly.

Free apps like Calm or Insight Timer have experiences of a couple of minutes to much longer sessions of hours. Give yourself a gift and try it out a few times. It can grow on you.